“We tiptoe through life hoping to safely make it to death”
When do we ever give ourselves the chance to fully live… I mean really live? Even as Christians we crawl, holding on to God like He is some sort of jilted lover. We’re at His feet but we imagine Him walking away as we hold on for dear life screaming. The foot of the cross is not some desperate attempt to hold onto God, it’s God’s desperate attempt to hold onto us.
I’ve read a lot of self-help books, Christian publications and listened to more meditative CD’s than I could count. When I was restless in my faith, I was told by many it was because Jesus wasn’t enough for me. But He was, and is and continues to be. Had I listened to the naysayers, I would have never known the precious joy God offered me when He made me a Catholic.
And, I’ve never stopped searching for what the truth is. Yes, the truth is Him, but that has never stopped me from asking more, wanting to know more, going deeper into the truth I now know is the truth. I stopped listening to all those “people.” They eventually left me too. I seem to find friends for the season. But I have learned that getting on and off the bus is just a part of life. I have found few who have stayed on the bus with me. But hey, that’s why God created sisters. The blood that runs thick, and doesn’t let go.
And I’m in the midst of reading my first self-help book since becoming a Christian. I have been so afraid to stray from my biblical understanding, scared that I may be washed away by the tide or some demon waiting to pounce on me from behind a page in a book.
But God has given me freedom. Knowing that I have the truth, I can whittle away at the things in the past that may have led me astray and accept the things that are in line with Him. I am finding truth in the strangest of places, like when an atheist I adore told me to pray more, to have more faith, and to believe in myself. I have no doubt that was God, as He inhabits the earth.
We as Christians are so led astray by the the things that scare us, which typically are things that exist outside the bible or our church. But when Jesus roamed this earth, there was no New Testament, no bible. There was just Him. There were people who left everything to follow Him- their lives, careers and families. He was unpopular. He went against the religious tenets of their Jewish faith. But they went for it, knowing there was something about Him that would lead them to what they were searching for. And every one of them had a different journey, a different aha moment. But just being around Him, you knew He was special. Even now I can close my eyes and be with him and not be afraid.
So I picked up this self-help book my atheist friend recommended I read and I felt…. free. I changed the words that needed to be changed and drank it in like a soothing cup of tea when all your limbs are hurting. I saw it for what it was, just a book. I know the truth. But it helped me to understand the vastness of God, His use of everything, His ability to allow me to be like Him, accepting and loving. His voice in the back as I read, “I am here, I am here too.”
I am slowly inching back to finding my way down the path I have been so afraid of. I listened to a song with the f word over and over. I even said the f word. I’m o.k., God still loves me. I am finding a way to be… me.