Life

I’m sorry

“Then Nathan said to David: You are the man.” 2 Samuel 12:7 (NAB Revised Edition)

“I’ve lost the use of my heart
But I’m still alive
Still looking for the light
And the endless pool on the other side
It’s the wild wild west
I’m doing my best
I’m at the borderline of my faith
I’m at the hinterland of my devotion
I’m in the front line of this battle of mine
But i’m still alive”

Soldier of Love, Sade

The words of Nathan stung as I woke up this morning . They were the first I read. I felt the small twinge of a spiritual knife cut into me. I sat with those words, tossed them around and waited, waited for some deeper message to emerge. But the deeper message was already there behind those simple words, “You are the man.” But the words, they were not directed at David, they were directed at me.

Yesterday, after God told me to remain in what I refer to as my “inner convent” I wrote anyway. I couldn’t stop myself. Sometimes the pain of heart runs deep, so deep that the words have to come out. For me, it is through my writing. I have been refined enough to know to hold my tongue, to take it to prayer. I have succeeded spiritually in not feeling anger towards the other person, but sorrow. And writing for me, like many is a gift that God has given me. That gift was buried deep within me for over twenty years, until the Lord said it was time. It took another year after I found Jesus, or rather Jesus found me that I was able to write. And my words, my words are at His direction, never anything I write myself. But there are sometimes I write, when I shouldn’t, and yesterday was one of them.

I appreciate so much this community of faith. This community of loving believers who offer correction and reproof or just some subtle words that say it all to me. Part of this journey involves being exposed and honest. Being vulnerable before people who I know, and those that I don’t. I am beyond imperfect. But I am eager and hungry to learn and be refined in the fire. So I picked up my cross yesterday and this morning was crucified. How else will I learn?

I am willing to be transparent for the God I love and serve. I am more than sure I have disappointed Him on many occasions. Empathy is something that for the most part I do not struggle with, but others do and I have to understand that. I have a lot of emotional depth and breath to me. Some people do not. I have to respect the way God made them and that God is working on them too, as He is working on me. And it is not my job or position to judge them, but to love them in their imperfect state. Father forgive them for they know not what they do…

And it’s always about me. It’s always about you. If we are willing to be vulnerable and humble and exposed, that crucifixion in our hearts will be all the more sweet. My sin- judgment, maybe yours lack of love. I am humbly sorry to anyone I may have offended. I am also a sinner saved by God’s grace. He chose me to carry His message. And sometimes I am imperfect.

And maybe it’s a message for all of us that write. We are messengers sent to bring a certain message, not our own. God maybe pointing to you and saying, “You are the man.” It is a good time to sit and reflect, to examine your conscience and say, “Yes, Yes I am that man, ” and be refined.

Thank you for allowing me to expose myself, to share my message, for keeping me accountable. May God’s love reign in your hearts always, and may you continue to walk in the light of His love.

 

 

 

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11 thoughts on “I’m sorry

  1. Keep Pouring Yourself out! Melissa. It Starts the conversation, it provokes though. I t is a place of Honesty and Humility that Brings Healing… Oh what a Feeling to be out True Authentic self on this road of Growth~~ FREE to Be Me, Finally!!!!!!!!!! AWESOME READ!!!!! 🙂 xoxox You Kill me with those Music videos!! SO COOL!!!!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I hope people see that. Him working through me, being my most authentic self. Yes I am free, no guilt or shame, even in these humbling moments by announcing, I’m sorry. What greater witness is that? Love you!

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  2. Interestingly, my wife and I attended a marriage seminar at our church last night called: Fight Night with Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott. In describing how to have a ‘good’ fight, they used the acronym of C.O.R.E. which stands for cooperation, ownership, respect and empathy. Interesting that you use those last two in your post.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. “I hope people see that. Him working through me, being my most authentic self.” What’s more, when I look at your writing, I see Jesus there. His humanity. His love. His compassion. His emotional pain the night He was betrayed. It’s all there. And it’s a journey worth living, walking with Him side by side in that yoke.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Sis, empathy is the exception where it seems sympathy is the rule. But sympathy only allows someone to feel sorry for another. Empathy lets you feel with the other person. I didn’t realize this as a young man when I first experienced that I am more empathetic than sympathetic, but I now believe it is a genuine gift from God (though some may look at it as a curse) and I am thankful because it makes it more real when I do pray and intercede for others!
    Sis, you ARE loved and since the Holy Spirit has given you the ability and the gifting to write with feeling and to “paint with words” such graphic pictures, you don’t want to allow that gift to diminish. If it helps you to cope through things, then Praise the Lord for it, for the Holy Spirit gives you not just what is for others that He leads your way, but gives you what you need BEFORE you share it with others.
    Over the years I have found that before I can be a blessing to others, either with teaching or encouragement, I have to be taught first. You seem to be the same way and open and sensitive to it! Again, that can also seem like a curse but it truth is a wonderful blessing!
    One final thought Sis; don’t beat yourself over the head for what you might think is the Lord “restraining” you for a bit. You walk in faith for it is the one thing that is truly pleasing to God, (Hebrews 11:6). AND remember this Sis; if you trust our Lord with all you do and make a mistake, the faith that you walked in is STILL pleasing to our Father AND He is God enough to not let a “miscue” hurt or harm another. The devil will never want you to write something that might enlighten or teach another about the Father’s love or His wanting a relationship with Him. The other thing Sis, there truly are those that know what it takes to truly love another even despite distance or physical communion! Love is NOT the feeling and the feeling doesn’t come until we actively start loving each other, whether it is encouraging, praying in intercession or just being willing to either listen or take to heart what others are writing or saying!
    As long as you continue to share, there will always be those who choose to love your gift, no matter what turn it takes. Also, those that truly love you, in the eternal, will never be afraid to speak or write the truth (in LOVE) whether it be to try and lift you up as Galatians states, or to lovingly correct (admonish), without criticism, so that you will be encouraged to see the path before you as the Holy Spirit lays it out in front of you!!
    God bless you Sis! You are so loved by the Father and by those who truly love the Father, your real brothers and sisters!
    You are remembered in my prayers Sis and when I say God bless and I love you, it is not a cliché for it is from the heart and even more importantly, from the Spirit that truly does dwell within!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for your kind words. You know, part of my walk has been to be exposed, and I am ok with that. I still feel as if I need to be in a quasi spiritual hideaway, not to “hide” but to be taught by our loving God. There are tests from time to time and I am understanding them in more prolific ways. I think this community we have here is truly awesome, as the focus is on loving one another, lifting each other up, correction and fellowship. It is unique amongst believers. I am ok being myself on here and that is refreshing for me. It is a first for me.
      Lots of love to you and thank you for being part of my journey!
      M

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