I have been preoccupied with a rather fascinating book, recommended to me by The Modern Theologian. It could quite be the best book I have ever read. I say “could” because I am neither done with it nor think it to be a book. It is a movement. It is the embodiment of the Holy Spirit. It is scrumptious and needed like the intricacy of a fine dark chocolate or a wine too good for words. It is Christ’s essence and song. I have never been so drawn in to myself before, although my semi-contemplative life has been headed that way. I say “semi” contemplative because I have not yet found the sweet spot of holiness, where I feel as this peasant felt, such a deepness and sense of the continued necessity for prayer. I am in awe of those who are there. All pilgrims included.
I’d like to fancy myself as such a pilgrim- maybe not in my physical wanderings but in my spiritual ones. And as I read to myself every night this simple and light-filled book, I am drawn in by several things 1.)The simplicity of the pilgrim 2.)His inner cry and hunger for prayer and 3.)The depth and breath of his soul. I can fall in line with his restlessness for prayer. His wanting and needing to be alone juxtaposed against the backdrop of people God sends his way. I too desire the solace, the quiet life. Inside it is my yearning. Not the life of a hermit or tucked away in a monastery, but quiet for Jesus, away for a while from the world. Constancy in solitude. The need for prayer.
And this book and these feelings caused me some pause. It caused me to stop looking outwardly at the world’s rage and hurt, at the people who hurt other people. I started to think about the inward relationship with Jesus, that soulful relationship, that sweet spot. I started to think about my “inner convent” that place that I run so often. I too cry out for the love of Jesus, and the more I walk the more my eyes become open and see it is not about the outside world, it is about the inside, it is about me!
How else can I pray the prayer to love those that would despise me, hurt me, hurt others? Why would I want to? I am fervent to please my savior, let it be known it is to love them, it is to suffer, it is so you can change ME Lord! There is a certain mysticism to that, an interior way to unlock that door. My flesh, my flesh wants to tell me run now! Leave now while you can! You are comfortable here! But my God. My God tells me to walk forward so that you can learn to walk in all of my ways.
Writing no longer rules me, things no longer rule me. The world, it does not rule me. To break apart my soul for Jesus, I must break away from the world’s cares. To live out my calling I must live out His words. Its no matter what people think or say, its no matter that you understand me or my walk. No! What matters is did I love you? Did I extend my hand to you? Did I feed you when you were hungry? Did I visit you when you were in prison. Alas if I have not, call me out and crucify me! I am the accountable one. And I set the example.
May the Lord change you and rearrange you. May the Holy Spirit move you. May you see in and not out. May you see with the eyes of Christ.
Lord change me for you. Let me pay no mind to the world and all of its falsehoods. Only you have the living water I desire. May you use me to feed the masses.