Inspiration · Life

The confession of my confession

When we are scattered amongst the leaves, there is a certain amount of perspective we need. There is even monotony in Jesus when we are comfortable where we are at. My vocation is so and so or my calling is so and so, and so I will do so and so, and we become robots in a way, lending the divine to take on the routine, and forgetting the joy in our salvation.

And although bible verses are great directors to the places we need to go, they often become lackluster if we are lackluster. They become words and not movement. We’ve heard it enough times, and the verses can be so overdone. This I find is especially true for those of us that are avid readers of the Bible. Without the intensity of the spirit, everything can become quite trite. We are settled in our ways, living good and godly lives, but we are downright miserable- especially when we feel that God has not moved us into the fullness of our calling.

There are times when I think this is “it” for me. I reduce my God-given life to mere tasks. Work, kids, after school and back again. I become just like the unbelievers, and routine becomes, well routine. 

In my haze of being whiplashed by a servant of the evil one, I drug myself into confession, on the advice of a friend. Those lines are always daunting and I end up scanning my brain for every bad thing I’ve done since the 80’s, and really I was only 10 or so then. But I digress…

So I sit with my priest whose presence alone calms me, and confession becomes more of a conversation about who I am and what I am and He sympathizes with the hardship of the many tasks I juggle. I tell him I’m here because, well, maybe I don’t believe God that He has some great plan for me, that I am stuck, that I’ve been reduced to the mundane, and well, I am tired. But not in that obnoxious secular mommy blogger sort of way but in that I’m tired, I am really really tired and worried way, worried that Jesus won’t ever answer my prayer of  a bigger plan, and I am rambling…

He half smiles at me, intent, listening and tells me the words that begin to free me, even before he absolves me-

God is in the routine Melissa. He is there. If you look for Him, He is there. 

The cloud begins to lift, I needed that. That’s probably why he is a priest, He’s made for this. He offers me the comfort of Jesus. 

And in the wee hours that follow my confession, Jesus sends me a message as I sleep.

Whatever you do, do it with intensity

The way Jesus describes it, it’s being lukewarm, half-hearted and doing things just to do them. It’s not the busyness he’s talking about, but rather the way in which I do things. If I am not doing them intensely, then I might as well not be doing them at all. And He’s right. But then again, He’s God…

The advice began to wake me up. My usual ho-hum workout was converted to sweat til I bleed, My kindness was extended double fold at work, I loved my children more and well, I began to live again and not just exist as I had been.

And I still believe God, know He has a plan for me, know I will be writing full-time some day. Knowing He’s got me. And it’s o.k. It’s o.k. to be uncomfortable where you are, to get tired of people’s well-meaning but cheap advice when they pick out a bible verse and try to make it fit neatly onto your life. The color is fine but it’s like a size 2 and well you’re a size 10 and it just won’t fit no matter how hard someone tries. Sometimes it just takes a listening ear to say you know you’re right about it all. It’s good to be validated. It makes us feel human. 

I’m grateful for the slow tide turning, for the Lord’s patience, for my wonderful and beautiful pastor, for Him being Jesus to me, for my penance not being penance but an outward direction to bring it to our Blessed Mother and let her hold me.

And maybe that’s where you are. Doing everything right but feeling so wrong. Doubting things may ever change. Infuse him in the routine of everyday life. Find a way. Turn up the intensity of the seemingly endless chores and tasks you may have. When you walk away from that with a smile, that’s when people know you’re a follower of Jesus. Because nothing has changed, but you…

 

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