** For all those in the valley of transition, I pray for you. I have been here for some months now. I have caused much of my own pain. May my words inspire you to follow the call of the Lord, and to not be afraid. Never be afraid. I love you all.**
Why can’t we just let go? We create our own confusion. We walk through our own chaos; the chaos of our minds. We’re down on our knees begging for freedom, but when we get it, we don’t want to leave the comfort of what we know. God tells us to let go of our past so we can walk forward into our future, but it is just so hard to let go. We push, we pull, we walk away, we come back, we cry, we scream. We tell daddy, you don’t know how much pain I’m in, why are you doing this to me? We don’t even know what’s any good for us. We are prompted and hurting. Change is a great grinder and every side hurts. We feel we are unworthy of blessing.
Oh God, why do we kill ourselves by walking away from what we know is right and true and good? You tell me to destroy everything that you commanded me to destroy. You tell me that I am keeping these things you commanded me to destroy. You tell me:
“You will never defeat your enemies until you throw away these things”
This doesn’t feel good Lord. It feels hard and scary to walk off a cliff. Maybe you won’t bless me. Maybe I don’t trust you. Maybe my weakness in my faith is coming to the surface. Maybe that is just too uncomfortable for me. Maybe I just can’t handle it. Oh, God my God, I am on the floor. Change is so hard…
I confess to you almighty Father and to you my brothers and sisters that I have sinned through my thoughts and through my words, through what I have done and what I am about to do…Oh God forgive me. I cannot hide from you anymore.
I am happy. So happy that it is now quiet. I know you will guide me safely to the port. You want me to be worthy of your kingdom. My suffering is for that kingdom.
Oh Lord, you are so much bigger than me. I cannot speak one word without you. I am tired. Confessing is exhausting. I am glad to know that you are God, and I am not. I am crawling to your heavenly feet and all that you are. I need to be swallowed by your grace. I need to be forgiven.
I know you see me Lord.
To where else should I go Lord? You have the words of everlasting life. You have the only words that guide my path. You are the oxygen I need to breathe, revive me in your arms.
I fall into your arms like a child. Make it simple for me. Absolve me, I’m listening. I’ve prayed more Hail Mary’s than I can count. Even Mary is tired of my disobedience. She is sad that my words were rote and sometimes meaningless. Why do we not become more like little children. Father, forgive me…
I love you Lord and all that you are. Your will be done.
Your loving daughter,