“On the day after the Passover they ate of the produce of the land in the form of unleavened cakes and parched grain. On that same day after they ate of the produce of the land, the manna ceased. No longer was there manna for the Israelites, who that year ate of the yield of the land of Canaan.” Joshua 5:11-12
It has been a blessing to share my journey with all of you, from the very beginning of the road. I’ve traveled through three blogs, a move to a new City, new school for the kids, a new church and becoming a Catholic all within the last three years. It is sometimes hard for me to write exactly what I’d like to share with all of you, as most of you can relate or understand to having to keep quiet about certain things until they come to pass. A lot of my wrestling with God finds itself struggling to break free in poetic ways. Sometimes the straightforward this is what’s going on approach is way to scary and risky.
I have shared with some of you my struggle and desire to be a full-time mother to my children and to leave my career behind. It has been a struggle since I had my three children, trying to balance a career as a full-time criminal attorney and raising three babies. It was the source of so much of my pain and stress. I had wanted to be free to be the mother that God wanted me to be even before Christ found me. I couldn’t understand how I would do it and finding Jesus just made the call so much louder in my mind and confirmed what I had known all along, at some point I had to let the career go.
My struggle with my career has a deeper and more intimate meaning than most. I had worked my whole school career to be a writer. When it came time to follow my dreams to New York City, they all came crashing down. It didn’t work out quite the way I had planned for all those years. I played it safe and took advantage of my full scholarship here in Florida. I decided that if that dream was dead and gone, I’d dedicate my life to helping children. Throwaways, runaways, homeless, broken. I was broken my myself. I didn’t want any child to ever experience the hurt and pain that I had. I made a conscious decision to go to law school specifically for that reason. I represented children in adult prison, the worst of the worst. I represented the mentally ill ones, the sick ones, and the poor ones. I went on to represent people of all kinds, lost their children because of drugs and alcohol, beat their children, sexually abused their children. I have seen more brokenness in my many many years as an attorney then some people see in a lifetime. I will never forget a face or a person. I will never forget every intimate conversation, every tear and every struggle. I loved it all.
I left all of that behind almost six years ago for an in-house job at a police department. I took the job so that I could see my children grow up. I didn’t want to miss their childhood, although I did miss some. At the time, it was what was best for our family. It was three years into that job, in the midst of the greatest struggle of my life that Christ saved me, and I have never been the same.
After three years of fervent prayer asking to be a mother to my children, Jesus said yes. It has been wait, wait, wait for all this time. It has been hard and daunting, but every time I knew why He said wait. Now, I don’t know why He said yes. My situation has not changed financially. The timing makes no sense. My kids are a little older. And I am jumping off a cliff on the word of God, with the faith that my parachute will open.
My last day is August 2nd. I have had the privilege of spending some time with my son in the interim. I have learned that his special need is the Jesus in my house. He may be autistic, maybe not. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I love him more.
When the Israelites came into the promise land, God allowed them a foretaste. They ate of the land, and the sustenance of their journey ceased. As I stared out the window on a Monday at 4 and watched my kids shooting water guns at each other in the backyard I tasted the produce of that sweet land. It’s as if God allowed time to be suspended, so I could see that I didn’t need the manna anymore.
I am counting down the days until I move into my new role. I am trusting God with everything. I know God’s promises are true, and I have held onto them for dear life. I hear His voice say, “set up a sacred space for me”, a writing table. I am believing him to restore that too.
Thank you all for walking this journey with me. For your love, your counsel and for checking up on me. For seeing through my words on days that were difficult, and for inspiring me. I will continue to walk this road with you, my fellow traveler, following the light of Christ, until He calls me home.
Blessed Mother pray for us
All the angels and saints, pray for us
Love to you all-