The shoes were not quiet. I scurried into the 8 am mass wondering what I was doing there. Earlier in the morning, God told me I wouldn’t be praying that early morning rosary; that it would be prayed at a later time. But it’s day 53, I thought. When would I have the time? I am only one day away Lord from completing the 54 day rosary novena you impressed so deeply on my heart.
My hair was not done, no makeup. I pulled into a parking lot across the way from work. I started to pray my rosary since I was early. I opened the video of the sorrowful mysteries. I began to pray, although my spirit was uncomfortable. I got through some of the first decade when the video stopped. There was a message, “All of your shared high-speed data has been used.” My usage stars over on July 20th. Ok Lord, you win.
So I go to pull into the parking space and the small voice says, go to mass. It was 7:39 am, second time I heard it. This time I listened.
I reversed the car and headed back in the direction from where I came. I knew I’d make it. The shoes were not quiet. Heads turned around. I gently slid the kneeler into place. Lord, why am I here?
For the last year, my prayers included being granted the privilege to attend daily mass. They are so reverent and beautiful and full of life. I felt privileged to be there. I had already texted my secretary that I would be unavailable. I closed my eyes and there started the procession.
It was gorgeous, simple, music-less. We have a visiting priest from Africa for all of July. I can’t believe he came here all the way from Africa to be with us. I was so humbled.
The homily was short from the deacon and God told me to think about what I was feeling before I rolled into my next emotion. The gospel was about being like a child. That God has hidden things from the wise and the learned but has revealed them to the childlike. I was expecting more. Then I saw, I was getting in my own way.
I rushed over to the group rosary during Adoration. I was on a different day because of my 54 day rosary novena so I slipped away. I went back to the church to pray my sorrowful mysteries. It was quiet. Just beads and the crucifix. Lord I see now that it is simple, and I must become simple too. I have seven years of higher education, but it took a quiet rosary to help me figure that out.
I went back to Adoration and closed my eyes. The silence was uncomfortable. Good, the Lord said.
I could hear His voice. Be still. Be still, unless I tell you to move.
Simple. That simple Lord?
I meditated on that simple truth. You mean I don’t have to worry? No, no you don’t. The world around me was getting quieter.
I left to go get a bagel and cream cheese, something I haven’t done alone in many years. I brought it home and made myself a cup of coffee. Nobody was home. The silence stopped seeming so uncomfortable. Then I read:
“The trouble with nearly everybody who prays is that he says, ‘Amen,’ and runs away before God has a chance to reply.”- Missionary Frank Laubach (Hungry for God)
I paused. I was feeling still. My shoes were off, and the coffee was almost gone. I wasn’t hungry anymore.