I have several days to go before the end of my career. While I am at peace in the Lord, my human side is trying hard to be afraid. My career is how I have identified for over fifteen years. I don’t know a life apart from it. The daily ebbs and flows of crime, death, tragedy and ungodly bloodiness. Broken families, broken system. Rage, anger hurt and fear. Prison and police. Sirens; and my inner struggle to leave it all.
I never wanted to become a lawyer- that was born out of my desire to help children who were like me, and couldn’t help themselves. I never made it on that plane to New York City, to Columbia University, where I longed to write. But that was all for good reason, I wasn’t saved. I wasn’t a follower of Jesus Christ.
I imagine some of the pieces I may have written back then and I shudder to think, what if I did? God held my pen for twenty years. Once I made the decision to become a lawyer, I never thought about writing anymore. I had left that behind along with the pain and trauma of being a sexual abuse survivor. I left those two things behind on the same day. I was 19.
I praise God for the things that He has restored in my life, and there are many. And while He has restored, He has also asked me to leave many things behind. This very last “big” thing, the thing of all things, my career. It is what I have wanted for so long, what I have yearned for. But it is also leaving behind all that I know, and trying to venture out into His world and what He has for me.
As I have weaned off work and focused my attention to the heavenlies, I know I have failed. With my desire that He has placed inside me to become a writer, I have looked in other places to find my voice. Why I left Him to do that, enticed by the world’s snares, I am not quite sure. When you’re jumping off a cliff and falling, you have to wonder, when will my parachute open?
And so it’s been that I have looked here and there and found nothing. The world is full of nothing. It is empty and devoid of meaning. There is no wisdom there. It is a snare and a bastion of confusion. But for those of us who follow Christ, we know we can always find our way home…
I repented and told God how very sorry I was for leaving, for being impatient, for not trusting Him. There has been no doubt in my mind that God wants me to write, but I have struggled to get to the place I want to be. That place I know is where God wills.
The difference between us and the world is that Christ gives us a mission and it’s always for others, it is never about ourselves. This mission and in my case this writing for others has a purpose, to bring people closer to Christ. Writers who write apart from Christ are not writing for God’s glory, they are writing for their own. God gently reminded me of that this morning.
And as I made my way around the rosary as He led me, I heard Mary’s voice and the luminous mysteries give a light to my path. Do whatever He tells you. Yes. Yes I think I will.