It has been a great, dark night. My love for writing left my soul. The longing for God was too great, and consumed me, greater than my love for writing. I went searching for him in the very depths of my being, painful. I longed for Him and for nothing else, and writing was just too secular to fill the void in me.
So I read about St. Thomas Aquinas and his mysterious encounter with God after precious time spent with Him; he had lost all motivation to write. He, at once, stopped writing, at the very height of his career. For this he said, “All that I have written appears to be as so much straw after the things that have been revealed to me.” He died shortly thereafter.
I read an article about his mystical experience which said if you had the time to read the Summa or to praise God, spend time doing the latter. The things of God are simply ecstasy. I am learning this.
The desire in my heart to be united to Jesus has only deepened. It is a longing and a wanting that I cannot explain. So I seek Him in ways that I do not understand and sometimes feel like He is a lover who leads me on. Just when I think I am there, I am not. I do not have any answers.
I could not pray, could not move, avoided daily mass, but my car would not. So I walked into the chapel with Come be my Light (Mother Teresa) and practically prayed it, begging God for reprieve. Again He was there and my joy returned one hundred fold with an ecstasy that I simply cannot explain. The promise came for me to trade in my will for His divine will, to take all that I am and had hoped to be, to do the work that He created me to do. I had to increase in the virtue of prudence before I rushed forward with plans that I knew nothing about.
I don’t know where I’m going, but send me
I had gotten over my want to write and to express these things that were laid so deep in my heart. The pain I felt since God had taken away all of my childhood friends, particularly one who was like a sister to me. I prayed for her deeply and cried. But God was asking me to make a decision. Are you all in for me? Which way do you want to go?
I cried for my friend like a sister I had lost, for my writing, for my career, for my love of what the self wanted over what God wanted. I didn’t want to follow Jesus; the road, it was getting so very hard. But at the same time I wanted to be in a room somewhere remote locked away with Him. My spirit couldn’t contain the conundrum that was within me; it was a suffering I simply could not explain.
I am not a religious, I have been called to the vocation of marriage and motherhood. Yet, I wanted too deeply for Jesus that it hurt my heart that I couldn’t be on my knees before the tabernacle at all times. And how could I explain this deep emotion to anyone around me. It is a deep pain within my soul.
In that instant, in that very moment I had the gift of the divine will come upon me. God took from me my own. So that as St. Paul says, it is no longer I but He that lives in me. And the pain, the deep pain that I had been feeling was replaced with unbelievable light. To give Jesus my very self, I was His mystical bride and would do like Mary said, whatever he tells me to do.
I have accepted a plan that I cannot see. So many saints receive visions and locutions with definitive grace. Go here, go there. It is the execution of those that stings their souls. For me, it is the unknown, a great dark abyss. It is accepting His divine will in all that I do and all that I am. It is a continual longing to be with Him. The longing which is my joy.