It has been a good, long several months. I have felt as though I have been living in a sort of alternative universe. Two parallel roads mark the race I’ve been running, my will and God’s.
For those of you that may be on that same path, I urge you to stay the course. All the seeking, all the wanting, all the needing and the thrashing is well worth it. Nights of wailing from being unsure, questions, stepping in this direction or that. Being consumed with understanding God’s will for your life is more than a manufactured top ten list, it is a journey. It is a constant. It is the perseverance that God wants. It is the understanding and not the result.
I have not been missing, I have been found. I can’t share with you if I don’t leave at God’s prompting, and I can’t hear when I am focused on my own agenda. I only write when prompted by the Spirit to do so, and I am learning God’s loving discipline in the most fantastic way.
So what have I learned? I’d like to encapsulate it in a small and simple prayer. I am complicated, but God is not. The world is complicated but Christ is not. I share this with you so that maybe your journey becomes a little clearer, a little wiser and you can cross that threshold instead of remaining in that same spot you’ve been standing in for quite some time.
May the eyes of my heart be enlightened that I may know what is the hope that belongs to your call. May I always conform my will to yours and serve you with sincerity of heart. May I be equipped by you through the reading of scripture to be competent and equipped for every good work. May I be persistent whether it is convenient or not in seeking you through prayer and the reading of your Holy Word.
Do not be afraid my beloved. If you seek Him, you seek truth. If your heart remains right and steadfast, He will answer. But you will not receive the answer you are seeking, you will receive His answer, and His answer always includes a new level of understanding far surpassing anything that we could ever imagine. It involves a deeper and more meaningful relationship with Him, it involves the stripping of yourself to become more like Him, and the desire to dispose of your own will to trade it in for His. Seeking the divine will really is the ultimate goal. Because if you are seeking the will of God, He will always answer. It took me several months to understand that, but in that time He changed me. The things I was praying for became small in comparison to the want and desire to do whatever it was he wanted me to do. These I heard as a servant in the wedding of Cana, Mary’s whispers, “Do whatever He tells you to do.”
I have come to understand that seeking God’s will is a process, not a destination. That prayers are not short-term. That my purpose and reason for living is to do whatever it is He wants me to do, in the end knowing, like John the Baptist, it is less of me and more of Him.
And I’ve stopped thrashing. I am going to quit those things that are not of Him. I am going to listen even in the chaos of the day. I’m going to accept the notion that He chose me for a purpose, to make disciples for Him in the way He chose me to do it, not the way I choose. I am going to stop praying for the things I want. This is divine. This is the truth. This answer has been here all along.