Maybe today you’re feeling unworthy. Surrounded by bigger houses, bigger dreams, bigger… everything. You want a house and you live in a hole. Your ministry is washing dishes, or mowing the law or dinner for one… even though there is someone sitting right across the table from you. Christ is not unaware of all of this, Christ is in all of this.
There are many that promote a false Christianity, that God has some worldly concrete plan for you whereby you will have this house, or this car and go to this church. And while some of these things may in fact be true, they are so surface and superficial compared to the God that He is. Ministries promote books that promote this overwhelming idea that writing in a workbook or speaking in tongues or praying a novena will get you to where you need to go. After much journeying, and seeking, and exasperation, after looking under rocks and climbing mountains, after swimming in murky water and devouring any book that can tell me what I was made for, I can tell you, I am in exactly the same place, only not really.
I waged a months long war against the grain, against myself, and God allowed me to do it. To discover who I was, test out theories, follow Him even when I couldn’t hear him at all. I thought maybe I was meant to work in the church, be a stay at home mom, find value in folding laundry and cooking dinner, and that I could possibly be failing miserably by having a job and committing to worldly organizations that had no idea who Jesus even was.
And God let me do it. Let me explore, let me live, let me free. He didn’t keep me back from asking or wanting or taking jumps off cliffs that I could have never imagined- like turning in my resignation and turning away from the career I worked so hard to build. I thought He thought I wouldn’t do it. And if I did, I had to believe that He would be there to catch me. He became my parachute.
So I jumped and the world didn’t end and I was told I was loved and valued and I needed to be right where I was. And my kids had the benefit of a mom who wasn’t just present, but was present. I was thinking about writing again, or maybe just having a cup of coffee and actually sitting down with it. I was thinking that my life was not, could not have been possibly meaningful to anyone when I was mired in busyness, raising three children and trying desperately to hold a career together that involved more than just signing papers. It wasn’t until I quit that I realized that St. Therese of Lisieux was right, it was in the small things. My visions of ministries and working at the church and great evangelical adventures slowly started to dissipate. I knew God was right when no matter how hard I tried to leave my job, the universe was pushing back and not letting me go. Jesus my parachute.
So I let go and I let God. He redefined not only my job, but he also redefined me. His will was infused in me so deeply I actually felt it- both in the moment that I jumped and in the moment he caught me. I realized that my children needed a mother who loved Jesus, not a mother who was homeroom parent. I realized my husband needed a wife who loved Him liked she loved Jesus. I realized that I was everywhere I was for a reason, and people around me appeared as flowers. I was ready to tell them about this Jesus who I worshiped and loved, gave everything up for, followed despite not knowing where I was going.
If you’ve been praying for God’s will you’re there. You are the compass, the center, the hub because you carry inside you the holy spirit of discipline, wisdom, the unfathomable gift of God. God chose you to be there. To show mercy, to love and to live in such a way that even the way you wash the dishes has meaning. We are transformed when we embrace those living closest to us.
But I think we still need to experience the jump at least once in our lives, to see if we trust Jesus like we say we do. To see if we are in the right place, to really live the faith we so boldly proclaim. I am not ashamed of the gospel, because it is the power of God that brings salvation to everyone who believes.
Go ahead, jump