Inspiration · Jesus

Do you need permission to be released?

I do. But why? Why do I need permission to feel free? What if I wanted to move? Take my law degree and do something else with it. Why can’t I be a fitness instructor? I mean, I’m good at it and I love it. Would it mean that I would be broke? Maybe. Would it mean we may have to move? Not necessarily. But why, why do I have to stay here…

Are you there? Not part of the world but not really abandoning all you know for Him? Getting your prayer ideas off 15th century cards, or facebook posts or from the local thug turned preacher who now has a fancy suit and shoes to boot? Doesn’t it all make you mad???

The thing is we have great ideas. We say we’re going to go for a run every morning but never do. We say we’re going to travel more, enjoy God’s universe, organize, lose weight, stop smoking, whatever. But do we?  And the radio this morning, Catholic radio. Father says, instead of making a New Year’s resolution to lose weight, stop smoking whatever, make a New Year’s Resolution to pray 15 minutes a day or spend time in God’s word. Really? Are we that shallow that we have to make a resolution to spend 15 minutes with God while we wander off to our pedicures and lattes. That really set me off. I am realizing the further I get in my walk with Christ, the more I realize how manufactured we really make Jesus….

Like the people who swear by the bible alone. Why? The bible wasn’t written for quite some time after Jesus died. What happened during that time? How did people celebrate Him, follow Him. There are no church services in the bible, babysitting ministries or tracts. There was a man, who was God who invited people to leave it all behind and follow Him. They had a relationship with Him, not a book. They loved Him, and that love propelled them to see the truth, to embrace Him, and ultimately to die for Him. So where are we now?

I want the pure Him. I follow the rules. I read my bible everyday. I am a text book Christian. But if I am doing everything right, than why do I feel so wrong?

Why am I confined? Why can’t I see Him amidst the hour and a half I spend every morning in bible study, the catechism and prayer? Why is my knee tapping uncontrollably at the mass? Why is my life 1/4 him and the rest worldly? Why has my life become about that “15 minutes” the priest talked about? What if I really let go and left it all behind…

Whose coming with me?



23 thoughts on “Do you need permission to be released?

      1. Just checking! 🙂 It sounds like we are in a similar place, so here are some of my suggestions based on my own experience. Have you read The Dark Night of the Soul by St. John of the Cross? I read it during a dry spell and it was spot on as to what I was going through. After that it felt like someone shot me out of cannon and as I was rip rearing to go. My problem was: where to? Too old to become a nun. Which means I have to work and provide for myself. Or in other words I have to be in the world. Thankfully, I ran across this great website: It’s hosted by a couple who have embraced monastic life while living in the world and raising their family. That’s been one of my big problems: trying to figure out how to live as a Christian in the here and now and there website was very helpful. But for all of that I still think there should be something more and I still haven’t figured out what that is. If you do figure it out, please let me know. I might go with you.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Was it a difficult read? I hear he’s,a tough read but I’ve also heard it’s a game changer. I’ll have to get my hands on a copy… I will also check out that website.
        I hear you. This has been a difficult time for me spiritually. No matter how hard I try I remain so human, still longing, still wanting for something more…
        I’ll keep you posted. Thanks for your wonderful insight!

        Liked by 1 person

  1. I didn’t read it all, so I can’t say for sure how hard it is. I stopped once I figured out it was God and not me. I knew that because St. John of the Cross wrote about what exactly was going on with me. I’m thinking about going back to it though because apparently there is a dark night of the soul and a dark night of the senses. I may be going through the dark night of the senses. i believe he writes about both in the same book.
    I know what you’re talking about in wanting something more. As long as you have that then I think you are still on the right track. It’s losing that wanting more is where we need to get worried.
    Thanks for posting. You made me feel better. It’s always nice to know it’s not just me.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I’ll let you know once I get my hands on a copy, I’m looking forward to it 🙂 Yes, I do believe that I am not alone, and there are others who have this “feeling,” which is way more than a “feeling.” I feel as though I’ve had training wheels on and God’s about to take them off…

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      1. Maybe we don’t have the same feelings. I feel like I’ve been benched. Rearing to go, but not knowing where to go. Hence, the search. Even though I have to say, from a few things I’ve been hearing, it has occurred to me recently that God my have something in the works, but mainly I feel benched.

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      2. I think I just described mine differently but yes “benched” would be a great description! I just feel as if God has something more for us when we let go and stop chasing our own tails, our own worldly notions, our own humanness. Even the church contributes in some ways to our spiritual under nourishment. I find that so many are hungry but sometimes there seems nowhere to go…
        The difference is we do have the hope. We do have the promises. We KNOW there is something more. The question is, will we keep walking further away from the world to get it…


      3. I do agree with you about the Church. I’ve seen people on fire with God and it goes nowhere because the Church doesn’t “seem” to have support structures in place to recognize these people and steer them in the right direction. Is that what a Spiritual Director is supposed to do? They have seminaries and monasteries for priests and religious, but when it comes to the lay people it seems like, “show up to mass; don’t sin; if you do sin, go to confession; pray; and you’re done.” On the other hand the Church will tell us we do more, but not guide us on how to accomplish that more.
        I’ve even toyed with the idea of starting a ministry, so I could help people get a ministry started. While I could give them some help with the business end of things and practical advice I have no idea on how to guide them because I’ve never started one. I’m still fumbling around myself.
        Then I considered trying to be a trailblazer and just try to figure this whole thing out, so 1) I can get going and 2) help others. You’ve heard how that’s going.
        Yet some people seem to get right to it, like Mother Teresa. But she had a very clear view on what she needed to do, even if not on how it should be accomplished. Do we wait until we have a clear call or do we just do what is in our hearts? Does God care what we do or leave it up to us? How do we know?

        Liked by 1 person

      4. I totally get where you are coming from. Spiritual directors were so important back in the day and I think we have lost sight of that. People helping and guiding people, helping to discern, to get through struggles, talk about vocation. I feel every word you said. I have learned that a lot of this is trailblazing, us helping each other.
        I also struggle in this area- was I meant for a specific thing, do I have a call, how do I know? For me, I just keep walking, I move in the direction I feel led, and sometimes I move in a direction to see if it is in fact what God wants. When God says no, I know! He makes it abundantly clear.
        I agree that what is lacking in the church are these one to one relationships.

        You are so dead on with your thoughts, and put into words so much of what I’ve been thinking. Thank you

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Great post Melissa. I have felt “benched” lately too but have had a lot of promises that things are going to change. And why wouldn’t they? I’n excited for the new year yet anxious and ready to GO! 😀

    Liked by 2 people

  3. balancing living in the world and living with Christ…never easy Melissa—and I thought you’d already looked at St John’s Dark Night before…or at least we had talked about it—I am reminded, looking over the conversation with Rebecca, about the Franciscan Third Order and the Benedictine Oblates…which we have talked about…those “orders” for laity who want to be part of a deeper aspect of service and observance.
    Good reflections my friend…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I remember talking about that. I am going to order it. I can’t seem to get any response from third orders and there seems to be nothing near me. I agree with Rebecca- this is the frustrating part. There is no emphasis on spiritual development, catechesis is canned. I haven’t found any programs at any churches that really provide this. Why is Christianity a 45 minute sermon or a mass without the development? We can come to church every Sunday, but what does that actually do for us? How are we forming?

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I think we all go through times like this. It’s our human nature to want more, but as I get older (and trust me, age makes a difference) you realize you have all you ever wanted with no strings.

    Liked by 1 person

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