When I was saved He took nothing away other than my personal blindness. And He brought me so much richness of living. Why should I now think He wants to teach me a lesson, take it all away, make me live in darkness, live away from the Light?
Like a ping-pong game, one “believer” to another, one thought to another, is it ok to be me, volley, yes, yes, it’s ok to be you. In the world of Christianity, there are so many theories, propositions, angles… There are so many different Jesus…
I am sure there is a plethora of searches, asking why God why, when God when, what God is your will for me. Why do we treat God like a magician, afraid to go this way and that, stick our little toe in the pool for fear that we will make the wrong move or worse yet, God will call us to something that will make us miserable. I am writing this because I know you are out there, you’re silent, you have questions. You’re a good little Christian, maybe you don’t even curse. You put God first but you are last. If you’re like me, you sometimes mistake self-sacrifice for self-loathing. There are times I have wanted to rip my skin off for simply being human…
Ruminating in the mud of God’s will, is it me or is it God? Do I have to suffer first? Is this desire mine or His? These last few months have been heartbreaking, breathtaking, grueling hours of the song, should I stay or should I go?
And I couldn’t, shouldn’t imagine that I am the only one. Because if you are truly pining for God, you ask these questions, doubt yourself, look for the singular awesome calling on your life that you were promised. You read books and stories and hear testimonies about people hearing God’s voice, leading them to their life’s path, why they were made. It is utterly terrifying to me that I sit here, unsure of what He wants from me, wondering if the other shoe is going to drop, paralyzed to make the wrong decision. What if I do? Is happiness not the aim?
It is a confusing road really. Wanting to please God while at the same time feeling guilty for wanting to satisfy your own self with the dreams you’ve had for so long. What if it’s not what God wants? What if I fail? Is there really a path at all?
These days seem tougher than most. The questions that just keep coming like a raging storm. The Jesus I want to follow but become afraid to. Why can’t I just live? Why can’t I just be?
This pressure all around me to seek God’s will in it all, its noisy, its too many people, its not just me and Him like it used to be. And where is the community, the ones who follow, the one’s who are asking the same questions?
There is a deeper more satisfying life than this. There is more than this. There are people who are asking these same questions. The pews may be full, but our hearts are empty with want.
Fill me Lord, just me and you. Let me believe that what you want for me is holy and good. Let me believe that my dreams are not just happenstance or put there by whim. Let me believe that every part of my being is directed by you.
More to come…