Devotional · Lent

Peel back the layers

I’m ready to give up. Lent has been a torturous mix of anger, sadness and difficulty. Each Lent I step into the desert in giddy anticipation of what Jesus is going to show me. Two weeks in, I’m ready to die. It isn’t quite so sexy or enticing to lead people to Jesus by manifesting all the signs of water boarding techniques or starvation, and it is quite the contrast to live a forty day period of your life in self-denial over the world’s indulgences.

I’ve been reading Paul’s series on God, which has taught me a thing or two about hiding from God. I don’t so much think that theology is bad or the bible is not useful. In fact I believe there is a subjective truth and I live by that. But what Paul has taught me, or at least the way God has spoken to me through his writing is that sometimes we hide within the pages of our bibles in order to avoid the deeper, the meaningful and the uncomfortable. It is much easier to read my portion for the day then it is to sit with God and take myself apart.

The truth is, I’m scared to death to sit in silence. I imagine that many of you are too, except you haven’t realized it or realized it and continued on anyway. It is unnerving to know that God has something to say to you but you just don’t want to hear it. Silence becomes something to avoid, and God can only be found in the comfortable and the religious. Because we know that at the end of the day that if we sit in that silence, we will be exposed for who we truly are.

It is difficult for me to sit. To think about those things I have to deal with. To put down my crutch, the bible, which gives me comfort these days not because of its words but because of its nearness. I am used to it. And it is used to me. And I am scared to death to look underneath the page that rests in my hands…

If I sit quietly I will hear the road, my breath, the bathroom sink. And then I will hear Him telling me we that we all just want to be loved and understood. That it all comes down to that. 

I have four more days to go, and then what? I am almost used to the desert. There is a life beyond the isolated sand and I am afraid. But I know He is waiting for me on the other side…


8 thoughts on “Peel back the layers

  1. God doesn’t want your walk with him to be troubling, but a way out of the desert. Remember how he used God’s Word to fight Satan. Have a blessed Holy Week. You’re always in my prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’ve been where you are, many times. It was God revealing me to myself. A part of me that was unknown and dirty. But it is an act of love by Him. It’s,bringing us out of that “oh wretched man that I am” moment to the fact that with Him, there is no condemnation. Rejoice, for God is bringing you to another level of relationship!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes He always is. The ugliness is sometimes needed. The refinenent and reality of taking us where we need to go, carrying His love wherever we go.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. you’ll be surprised at how quickly you will back to the world—the world has that way about it—one minute you’re cut off, then Bam, you back and you actually have to stop and think “hey, it’s been a couple of weeks and I’ve almost forgotten the ‘before’….”
    But it sounds as if He’s working on our listening skills—so you will be able to hear Him over the din of the world—because that is what the world is good at…distraction…
    keep your ear to the ground!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes I will, I am almost holding on to these last few moments before Resurrection Day. I am hoping I hear and take heart in everything He has said

      Liked by 1 person

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